I have an uncontrollable frustration with almost everything right now. I wish I could unprivatize this blog but I'd run the risk of too many people finding it, perhaps that's the better decision.

I hate a lot of things right now. I don't want to study for anything, I'm entirely burnt out and I have essentially nothing to look forward to in my near future. I have no disposable income, no travel plans, no friends with any concept of a savings account, nothing of the sort. I want to do so much and yet I've been feeling so old lately. It's really depressing that 21 year old can feel past his peak but I'm having trouble convincing myself I haven't made radical mistakes in my distance and recent past. There's so much I'd go back and change that I can't. I really wish I wouldn't have done that trip to Australia and instead put the money towards an entire semester of studying abroad. Okay, maybe I don't mean that, a semester is a long time. But goddamn, I just want to travel. I wish I had the means. I want to go to Japan and France and other parts of Europe and Asia and Australia again and oh god this is just torturous to write out.

I wish I was beautiful, I wish I could woo anyone, I wish it was all easy for me. I wish everything was easy. I don't understand what it means to put effort into something. I try and with such minimal effort that its unbelievable I got to where I currently am. I'd say luck has a lot to do with it, yeah, but I just have no passion for organic chemistry or making compounds or neurobiology right now. I just want an all expenses paid trip around the world so that I can photograph everything. I just want to get the hell out of here, play music on the streets of Paris, drive around London at night, when will these things become possible for me? Never? Thought so. Unless I'm able to make it big for myself, these things will never come to fruition. I wish I was smarter. Nah. I'm smart enough. I wish I was more passionate for something. Passion is key. I'm not passionate about going to medical school. I'm not passionate about research. I have no passion for these things. I just am at a total loss for what direction my life is heading and nobody seems to be able to help or care. It's just killing me slowly that I can't find guidance in anyone or anything. I feel like I've cheated myself through the last seven years of my life and what do I even have to show for it? I can't say that I've actually fully enjoyed anything I've done that is resume worthy and that's truly sad. I have nothing to show for, so many deserted ideas in my life, I wish I could do it all over again. I wish that that was an option.

I have to become more outgoing, more open to taking risks, chances, small opportunities, I have to man up and grow up. I have to define myself. I've written this all before and tried to talk myself through it all before but I just cannot honestly see where my future is headed unless I push myself forward. This semester is almost over. I can do it. I just need to find that other thing that brings me bliss and solitude. Will it be photography or drumming? Probably. Will it lead to a prosperous life? Who knows.